Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
