Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
