I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
