So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
