why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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