can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
this beer tastes like vomit already
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Randomize
