You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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