Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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