In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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