if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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