u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
