Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
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Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
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You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
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