last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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