Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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