and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
