I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
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shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
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DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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