apparently the secret to your success is patron
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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