This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i love accidental penises.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
