You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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