I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
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There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
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