There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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