I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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