you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
