Can i not drive my cunt home
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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