He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize
