Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
