im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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