I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
