i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
