I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
