They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
