Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
