I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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