my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
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