Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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