At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
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Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
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After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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