Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
