Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
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its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
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I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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