tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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