im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
