i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Please, let me fuck your mom
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
