uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
