we have pet lesbian snakes
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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