Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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