I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
