I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Dick very happy bro
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
