I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Randomize
