I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
