I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just gift wrapped bread.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
