I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
