I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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