Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
