I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I cockslap morals
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
