I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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