Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Can you repeat that, but with context?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
