i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
