Do you still have your period?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
