when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
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